Broken Hours

Sometimes, I need to remember that my life isn’t a movie. Days don’t go buy as a series of exciting and significant events that somehow lead to a climax and resolution. I never live happily ever after, I just live, and it’s that simple and complicated all at the same time.

Moments will pass by and I’ll remember them so clearly that even ten years down the line, I can still recall each and every active sense that was present. Then there are the big events that people are supposed to remember like your prom and high school graduation, but they merely become distant blurs in a wrinkle of time that you can never really seem to get back.

Our relationship had both of those things.

He walked into my life and I didn’t really take note of it until several months later. There wasn’t any shining light that surrounded him, no arrows pointing towards his direction that were labeled “potential love interest!”, nor was there any melodic violin tune that indicated the significance of his arrival. No, he was just another guy, completely unassuming, tall, a little bit lanky, and not unlike several other men I’d known at that time. I would have never predicted that he would play on my emotions so much like a timpani that I’m still recovering, two years later.

I stand before a bottomless pit that's filled with nothing but darkness. Uncertainty and fear waver throughout my body. Suddenly, my limbs feel numb, they've been cut off, detached, dissociated. A constant buzz of adrenaline makes my heart beat faster than normal. Pounding blood through my veins, I'm suddenly aware of every little thing around me. It makes me shiver. My eyes start to well up but I don't allow the tears to fall.

It's hard to leave all that you thought you'd never leave; It's hard to leave it all behind when there's nothing even there. It's only the speculation into what could have been that makes it hard.

Things have a funny way of working out. "It wasn't meant to be", they say. But what if it was meant to be. Then nothing will ever be right again.